


crazy bastard.

by linoify



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Exes, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mistakes, Moving On, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Regret, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and kinda lowkey based on myself lmao, based on ex (crazy bastard) mv and the song slow motion, i'm projecting, minsung - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26812207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linoify/pseuds/linoify
Summary: If Jisung could, he'd take back every mistake he'd ever made, including leaving Minho.He was in love with Minho.But Jisung was no more than a crazy ex.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Kudos: 27





	crazy bastard.

**Author's Note:**

> Recommend listening to the song 'slow motion' by Charlotte Lawrence while reading!

Like any normal person, Jisung's had his fair share of _mistakes_ , but only one truly mattered to him. One he so badly wished he could take back, as he watches his first love _finally_ move on from him. He knew _eventually_ he'd do that same, maybe just take a little longer. It eats him from the inside out, fuck he was obsessed. He felt warm tears hit his cheeks as he realises he's doing it _again_ , he threw his phone across the room out of frustration. 

He'd been looking through Minho's social media, _again_. The same ones he'd blocked him on from his own account deciding to log out just check once more. It was obsessive, maybe even creepy but he couldn't control it. He instinctively curls into a ball realising there were just a few days till school started again, he'd have to get through the entire semester without him. He peered at his wrists, the cuts have almost completely healed, even the scars were starting to fade, he fucking hated it.

It was sick, he'd rather stare at his fucked up wrists because he knew he deserved it, it made him feel _something_. He threw his head back laughing to himself as the tears fell, he remembers Minho begging him to stop cutting, he didn't stop because of him. Frankly, he cut himself more when Minho left, he only stopped because he'd got caught by his parents and genuinely didn't feel like dealing with their protectiveness. Jisung was going insane was a simple way to put it, he'd somehow found many unhealthy coping mechanisms. The sad part is he hoped maybe Minho would go to save him, which he was well aware he wouldn't. He only read his farewell letter once before throwing it in the fire, he tries to remember everything it'd said. The only details that come to mind, 'I'm proud to say I've finally moved on' oh and his favourite line, 'I've found someone new, they remind me a bit of you. But they're my age.' 

He thought for a moment, did Minho look at him and think of a child? A helpless kid who was mentally fucked up? He hummed to himself skipping through the quiet halls of his apartment, his parents were out. He tilts his head seeing his pink polaroid sitting on the shelf, he smiles, he remembers that night he face-timed Minho, he looked so.. _pretty_. He took a polaroid picture, but then the smile fades when he realises he ripped it apart. He remembers how happy he felt in the moment, ruining every bit of Minho he had left. The smile on his face when he threw it out as if he was proud of himself.

He fell back onto his bed burying his head in his hands. He remembers every time Minho told him he loved him he never responded. He knew Minho loved him, whether he returned those feelings or not at the time didn't matter. He childishly thought to himself it'd be forever. Minho was like a pawn in his plan, someone who'd just keep coming back even after Jisung carelessly abused their love. He wonders, did he love Minho back then? Of course, he was just too stupid, too blind. 

He wonders what Minho would think if he knew he was going to therapy. Would he be proud? Maybe even disgusted or scared about how ruined he'd become. Broken, Jisung was broken and there was nobody to blame besides himself. Every mistake he'd made in his life till this point was his own fault. 

**OCTOBER 14 2019**

Jisung stared at the screen of his phone, he knew Minho's feelings but barely understood his own. He collapsed into his bed, "Fuck it, fuck it," He repeated, he was going to ask Minho out. Whether it was because he simply wanted a distraction from his crush or not he wanted it, so desperately he _wanted_ love. Being in love and wanting love are very different things and Jisung was too young and far too gullible.

The next day Jisung sat in the auditorium alongside his classmates, if he were honest his mind was just clouded, with thoughts of Minho. Everything was Minho. He froze for a moment feeling hands snake up his thigh, he gulped stopping Hyunjin's hand. Hyunjin was almost caught off guard by the action, mainly because Jisung _never_ shut down his affection. He shrugs it off, but little does he know Jisung did it because of the taller light brown-haired boy he called _his_ boyfriend, Minho.

**PRESENT - OCTOBER 4 2020**

Jisung stares at his phone, 10 days till what was supposed to be their anniversary. He rests his head on the table, he genuinely wonders. Does Minho remember? Is he even thinking about it? He hums to himself as if telling himself to stop, he wanted everything to stop. Not just his thoughts about Minho, _everything_. He wanted the world to stop, his heart to stop. He cynically hoped he'd cross the busy street the next day and get hit, he almost laughs at the thought. 

It took Minho a year to move on, maybe even longer. Minho had endured months on months of Jisung's incompetence and lack of feelings towards him but Jisung? Jisung barely survived four months without properly speaking to the elder. He pouts thinking back to that day he sat in his favourite corner of the library, sometime in June. Minho sent him a photo, he'd got his hair cut and dyed like he told Jisung the day prior he would. As far as Jisung was concerned Minho looked adorable, it suited him. 

Looking back Jisung isn't sure what took over his body, maybe it was the growing depression or the anxiety. Either way from that day on Jisung cut off all ties with the elder, ghosting was the term for it. As he'd done with several of his other friends doing it with Minho was different. Actually, everything with Minho was different, as if Minho was a different side of his world. The first few weeks, maybe even months seemed easy. Minho rarely ever crossed his mind, until he did.

Jisung ponders, what would've happened if they remained happy? He almost wants to imagine how different the year would've panned if he was still with Minho. Jisung was at a loss, a crossroad some may say. He stares at the ceiling his brain almost empty, he felt empty. He slowly stood back up looking through the scattered boxes in his room, he was never bothered to fully unpack after moving. His depression clearly playing a significant role, he begins throwing things out of each box, it was humiliating. How much a single person affected him and the fact that this person was the same one he pushed away for months on end.

He stares at the shirt, the same one he'd worn when he was with Minho. It was suffocating, he felt like he couldn't breathe. Mainly because he was forcing himself to not breathe, he held his breath. Actually, he did this a lot, held his breath, sometimes to the point his body begged for air and he would just keep his mouth shut. It was the closest he could get to feeling like it would end until he had to take that one breath before he would pass out. He hated that single breath, the one inhale that would fill his lungs with the thing called _life_. 

He picks it up, he can hear his speaker playing music softly he holds it up dancing around his room to the soft music. Minho loved dancing he remembers. It's as if he can remember Minho's hand around his waist as they danced around his living room. His _pretty_ smile, when he told Jisung he loves _his_ smile. He doesn't smile anymore, at least he doesn't _genuinely_ smile. Only to rid people of their worries about him, so he smiles. He quietly sings to lyrics to himself, pain-filled each word.

_I wish that I could hate you, my baby_

He remembers telling Minho he hated him, to his face as he mentally and physically pushed him away, making him doubt every ounce of feelings he ever had in Jisung was his specialty. Jisung was quite literally begging him to stop loving him, maybe he just never considered one day he actually would.

_I wish that when I left, you'd have chased me_

But Minho did, Minho chased after him for months. But Jisung continued to turn him down, it was a never-ending loop of them leaving and coming back. Although he was aware this was truly the end. Maybe that's why it hurt so much.

_I didn't wanna change, but you made me_

_Now you're telling all your friends that I'm crazy_

_Hard to believe that you ever really loved me_

_I made believe that you cared when you touched me_

_I know I'll be movin' on in slow motion_

The smile he'd initially wore seemed to fade as if his thoughts were finally catching up to him. His feelings, _emotions_. He felt the soft fabric of the shirt fall over his head, he couldn't see, he felt dizzy. He'd barely eaten that day let alone at all, just his Vitamin D supplements. He wants to cry, but something in his body doesn't let him. As if he's exhausted himself of all his tears. He stumbles in complete darkness his only source of light being the sliver of light that peered from under the shirt. He feels his body fall against the window, his hands catching his fall. If Jisung could, he'd take back every mistake he'd ever made.

He'd loved Minho, unconditionally. He would never regret everything they'd been through and left it for dust. His body slumped as his hands gripped tightly onto the blinds. 

He was _in love_ with Minho.

But Jisung was no more than a _crazy ex_.

**Author's Note:**

> short but painful one-shot based on ex mv, and mainly just me projecting but at the same time being extremely dramatic. i'm so sorry for putting you through hell jisung baby :( anyway hope you all enjoy a quick heavy angst fic while i go work on something bigger, hopefully, happier <3


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